


Dr Snarky, Col. 4

by alltoseek



Series: Dr Snarky [4]
Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:41:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early in his career, a certain physician sought to augment his meagre income by writing a medical advice column.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr Snarky, Col. 4

**Author's Note:**

  * For [esteven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteven/gifts).



_Dr Snarky,_

_Seeing that you replied to Sir J's questions of a delicate matter_ [in Column 3 -ed.] _, may I ask if fresh sardines with ginger paste, lamb with rosemary, saffron chicken, vegetables sprinkled with aniseed, cardamom rice and a large bowl of fresh figs are benificial to enhancing an ardent temperament?_

_\--e_

 

My dear e,

Certainly you may ask. I may even undertake to answer your enquiry to the best of my humble ability. 

I perceive that you have been researching Oriental herbology and medical practice, perhaps through the form of Dr Li's _Compendium of materia medica_ , which has become known throughout Europe in the last century, although it was written in China some hundreds of years ago. 

Most of the comestibles you list are noted in that work as restoring or enhancing the 'yang' aspect of a person: 'yang' being the masculine, active, and hot portions of existence. Based on this concept, it is understandable that foods strong in 'yang' would be advised for the purpose of increasing ardour; and indeed Dr Li does recommend this in his comprehensive and estimable work. 

Among the dishes that you list, fresh sardines with ginger paste, lamb with rosemary, saffron chicken, and vegetables sprinkled with aniseed are all excellent choices. Your best options for the vegetables include cauliflower, onions and scallions, mustard greens, and pumpkin. Rice with cardamon is acceptable; an improvement would be 'sticky' or glutinous rice, of the varieties cultivated in the Far Orient, and perhaps add cinnamon and nutmeg along with the cardamon. 

As for the figs, with which you round off your delectable meal, whilst they are prescribed for blood deficiency in Chinese medical practice, they are what is termed a 'neutral' fruit in their affect upon yin and yang; that is, they have none. Fruits better suited to your purposes would include peaches, cherries, or dates. Guava, kumquat, lychee, and coconut would also suffice, but you may have greater difficulty procuring these more exotic delicacies. 

Regarding your first course, sardines are also recommended in treatment of blood deficiency, and they act as an aphrodisiac upon those of a sanguine nature. Otherwise, you may successfully substitute anchovies.

If you can find a place in your feast for the addition of sesame seeds or pine nuts, I do believe your menu would be complete for your desires, and those of your guest or guests. As a final, though unsolicited, suggestion, I would advise limiting the total quantity of food consumed, as a full stomach is rarely conducive to any more passionate activities than diffuse remarks of banal nature, leading to a reclining posture only for the purposes of sleep. I would further suggest a judicious, but again restrained, availability of drink. Application of wine of a high quality can encourage those perhaps more reluctant to act upon their baser inclinations and loosen their inhibitive nature; however, it is well known that excessive consumption can reduce or impair the functioning of those with even the most ardent libido.

Should you wish to prepare such a dinner as you have described, I would be happy to partake of it, in the pursuit of philosophical enquiry into this fascinating area of study. I will even undertake to provide another suitable male subject, of a sanguine temperament whose blood is on occasion deficient, to allow for observation of the potential increased ardour in multiple men. 

 

****

 

_Dear Dr Snarky,_

_At times, I fear for my health. My mama and I have the same strange symptoms but it may be for different reasons – perhaps your sage advice can help us. Our experiences of these uncomfortable sensations include a certain breathlessness, a palpitating of the bosom, flushes and faintness. In my case, it occurs in the presence of sea officers; or rather, of one particular naval captain. It is quite dizzying! My poor mama suffers the same hysterical propensity when mention is made of the same captain's current circumstances and prospects._

_Pray, dear doctor – what ever is the matter with us?_

_Yrs,  
A young lady_

 

Young Lady-- 

~~FUCK YOU! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! HE IS MINE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!MINE!!!~~

_*clears throat*_

My dear Ma'am,

I am afraid you are suffering from a common condition afflicting young ladies and their mothers during peace-time soon after war has ended. Our gallant officers swarm the ballrooms in their fine uniforms and regimental honours and gold braid, eager to sweep young ladies off their feet, but with a complete lack of ability to support these ladies into the future.

Enjoy their charming company for a few months, but restrain yourself from any commitments made in these heady times. Wait for steadier tidings and calmer hearts.

 

****

 

_My dear Dr Snarky,_

_I was so pleased to read your response to a lady who was devoted to her husband, yet found little to no pleasure in the marital bed_ [see Column 1 -ed.] _. You indicated that the problem may not reside with the lady in such cases, and that there may be a treatment. My case is somewhat similar, except that I am now widowed. I would happily remain single, having no need nor enjoyment of the physical intimacies of the connubial state; however, lately I have been courted by a gentleman whom I very much respect and in whose company I take great pleasure. Yet I am afraid my previous experience may have permanently impaired any natural ability of mine to attain the sublime bliss. I should hate to ruin his life or mine by making an impetuous decision. Can you advise me on any method, within moral and legal bounds, by which I may determine if I can overcome this inhibition instilled in me during so many years of misery?_

_Yours most sincerely,  
Mrs CW_

 

My very dear Mrs CW,

I can indeed offer hope that an injury, even one of such long-standing nature as yours, may yet be treated by proper application of the methods of a skilled physician. Unfortunately, these methods are not such that they can be detailed in a public letter. I would be very much obliged should you join me at a dinner an acquaintance of mine is giving, consisting of many delectable courses such as fresh sardines with ginger paste, lamb with rosemary, and saffron chicken; during which we can discuss these intimate matters further, and determine if a resolution to your concerns is forthcoming.

Your most humble obedient servant,  
 **Dr Snarky**

*****  
 _Have a question for Dr. Snarky? Comment here!_


End file.
